Author Lotte Bowser joins Zibby to discuss BITTERSWEET, a raw, brave, and deeply moving memoir about true love, the darkness of grief, and finding your way back into the light. Lotte shares the story of her relationship with Ben—a profound love (and happy, adventurous life) that was cut short by his battle with cancer amid the COVID pandemic. She delves into their whirlwind romance, Ben’s diagnosis, the struggle of being his caregiver, and the grief, isolation, and healing that followed his passing. Finally, she and Zibby reflect on the power of writing through trauma, and Lotte discusses the new platform she is building for grievers.

Transcript:

Zibby: Welcome Lottie. Thank you so much for coming on Moms Don't Have Time to Read Books to discuss your amazing memoir, Bittersweet. Oh my gosh. So good. Welcome, so much. 

Lotte: Zibby, thank you. It's a pleasure to be here. 

Zibby: First of all, I just have to say, I'm, I'm so sorry for your loss. I, like, had nightmares after reading it.

You're, not in a, in a bad way, like in a, I was so incredibly moved by your story and the way you wrote it and how the immediacy of Ben's illness and what you had to go through. I, I literally felt like I was there, like you were sending me an email about it and I wanted to just call you and be like, Oh my gosh, I'm here. I'm here to listen. So anyway, I'll say it today. I'm here to listen literally right now. But yeah. Thank you for sharing your story with everybody. Tell everyone what, what your book is about and basically what, what's happened, if you don't mind. 

Lotte: Of course. Well, thank you so much for your kind words. Yeah, it's, it's wild, Zibby, to think about what's unfolded over the last, hmm, I would say five years now.

So. My book, Bittersweet, A True Story of Love and Loss, is exactly that. It's a very intimate and, if I may say so myself, candid account of meeting this magical man called Ben when I was 24 years old and falling in love with him. and building a life together and then losing him to cancer during the COVID 19 pandemic and learning to pick up the pieces of my life that was obliterated by his death and learning to Find a way forward.

Yeah. 

Zibby: It's almost like you start it as it's almost like you're reading a rom com or something like a romance novel because the way the two of you fall in love and you know matching on the apps and then meeting him and like you could just tell how it's going to Into him, you, you were, and like how cut he was and everything.

And then as a reader you're like, oh, yay. And they're actually getting together. And it's so early in the book. This is great. I mean, obviously I knew what was coming, but it's like I didn't wanna believe as a reader that, that I was like, well, maybe if I pretend I don't know that, then the story will go a different way.

You know? It must 'cause they're so happy. 

Lotte: Mm-Hmm. 

Zibby: And then. How, you know, maybe just share how, you know, from finding this, this first lump down to your time in Mexico, how you were there service's main person, right? In the throes of that fresh falling in love feeling. And then your life gets, you know, completely derailed and having to sort of hold him up at the same time.

I don't know, talk about what that was like. And even looking back, it wasn't even that long ago, how you see all of that now. 

Lotte: Do you know what's really interesting, Zibby? And, you know, people might find this wild to comprehend, but in the very early days of mine and Ben's relationship, He always had this ephemeral, like, quality to him and I'd often feel as though he was slipping through my fingers in the sense that I couldn't get enough, right?

We loved each other with such an intensity and ferocity that even if we were together 24 7 it never felt like enough. And yeah. you know, our appetite for one another was insatiable. And so when that diagnosis came about in July 2019, it was almost as if, you know, I remember throwing my hands up and thinking, I just knew that it was too good to be true.

Right. That was the feeling that I had. And I don't think I'd ever experienced a depth of love that I shared with Ben before. So, you know, perhaps this is common when we, when we find something we can't ever conceive living without, right? That nightmare did come true for us and it took the shape of a lump between his shoulder blade and his spine.

I found it whilst I was giving him a massage one evening and he was fast tracked through the diagnostic process within the NHS, our health system in the UK. And, um, It was stage three soft tissue sarcoma, and I'd never heard of this cancer before. I'd assumed that because Ben had done all of the right things growing up and as a young adult that, you know, cancer wasn't on the cards.

So it was absolutely shocking. It completely turned our worlds upside down, but I refused to entertain the notion that Ben wasn't going to survive. So it was only until the terminal diagnosis was delivered the following spring at the height of the COVID 19 pandemic. It was actually two weeks into the national lockdown in the UK that suddenly, you know, we were staring down the barrel of the gun, so to speak, and we were confronted by, by mortality.

We threw the kitchen sink at it, as you'll know from having read the book, we were determined not to give up the fight, we had so much to live for, right, we were young and in love, he was on the threshold of some of the biggest accomplishments in his music career as an agent, looking after, you know, incredible artists, we were planning on starting a family, we wanted to get married, and so, we weren't prepared to lay down and accept the diagnosis.

And what made his case particularly challenging is that we were also dealing with the fallout of COVID. Right? So, him and I were suddenly forced into lockdown overnight and we had to take that very seriously because the cancer metastasized to his lungs and he was considered incredibly vulnerable. So, even though the U.

1. came out of lockdown several times over the course of that summer in 2020, Ben and I were still very much stuck within the four walls of our home. And because of his case, because of the necessity to isolate, I was his primary and only caregiver. during that time. He underwent surgery. He went through a really aggressive chemotherapy regimen for two cycles over the course of two months and nothing worked.

Nothing helped him. And so when the NHS advised us to begin taking the necessary steps to arrange end of life care, we decided to travel overseas. We flew to Mexico to explore alternative treatment. And it was actually at that center, six months in, that things were beginning to turn around for Ben.

Miraculously, the treatment was actually working. And we were in our own little bubble there. You know, we felt very safe within the confines of this cancer center. And frankly, COVID was at the bottom of our, concerns list, right? We were dealing, we were dealing with more pressing matters, but it all just spiraled one afternoon at the center.

He began feeling really unwell five weeks into treatment and I stayed overnight with him at the center and his condition just continued to decline and the following morning he was rushed to A& E because he was experiencing really severe breathing difficulties and he was ventilated straight away. So, yeah, it's, it's really hazy looking back.

And, you know, for the purposes of writing the story, I had to really dig into, into those memories, which, as you can imagine, was, really difficult. Very cathartic, but very difficult. But even now recounting it, Zibby, it's still, it's still a bit blurry to me. But yeah, he, he was ventilated immediately. I, I actually take comfort from that.

There was no struggle at the end of his life. He was asleep. He wasn't aware of what's going on. But after 24 days of swinging from stable to unstable and, and all the while I'm also in quarantine in a hotel on the other side of the city alone, he died from, from acute liver failure and other complications that had arisen from, from the virus and his, his cancer diagnosis.

Zibby: I am, I am so sorry you had to go through that. This whole thing. I'm sorry for him that his life he didn't get to see play out. I'm sorry for you and everything. I mean, that is, I mean, I know you wrote about it, but it's, it's just so moving and so horrible and not be able to be close to him. And at the end, all of the added labor of COVID.

Oh my gosh, you poor thing. I just want to like, give you a big hug, and I'm just so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. 

Lotte: Thank you, Zibby. Well, look, some, some time has passed now, and you know, I've, I've assimilated it, I've metabolized it, but it is always a strange experience telling the story again, and it's also strange witnessing people's reactions.

You know, because here I am, sat in my flat in Lisbon, thinking, shit, yeah, I did go through that. That, that is crazy that that happened. And it's crazy that he's not here anymore. You know, it's very hard to reconcile. It's hard to get your head around, even all these years later. 

Zibby: And so what has happened since Ben's death?

What has happened with you? You're like, how have you taken, how have you gotten through and where are you today? And what's happened since the end of the book? 

Lotte: Oh, a lot has happened. So I think the nature of Ben's demise, having gone through so many months of pain and suffering and horror, I was able to reach the conclusion quite early on in my grief that I didn't want to stay in that darkness. Life had felt so small and so insufferable for so long that I, I wanted to reach for the little glimmers of hope and joy, the chinks of light. So quite early on I, I made the decision to play an active role in my recovery and in my healing. And this is the thing about death, Zibby, you know, there's, there's nothing that can be done to make it right.

And I think the sooner we are able to. reach a place of acceptance. And that definitely isn't easy. That comes with a caveat. I don't mean peace. I don't mean acceptance in the sense that we're okay with what, what has happened. It's more that we accept the facts for what they are, right? The better, I think the sooner we're able to get to that place, the better.

So I spent the first four months, um, in lockdown at my mum and stepdads and I was able to process a lot of my, my pain, my grief, my trauma, my questions, my bargaining during that time. As you can imagine, you know, There were no distractions to reach for. So in a way, I'm, I'm grateful for having had that time, you know, the world had stopped at the same time my life stopped.

So I was very sort of gently able to, to find my way back to sort of some semblance of normality again. But that summer I, I made a decision to To leave England, I, I went on holiday with a close friend of mine and it felt good and at that time so much of my life had fallen away, you know, I was planning a future with this person who, you know, within a split second had just disappeared in a puff of smoke.

So, I wanted to, to, to reach for what I felt. good, you know, and positive. So I, I made the decision to leave. I, I packed up my things. I sold mine in Ben's flat in North London and I booked a one way ticket to Lisbon, Portugal. And here I had a blank canvas. I had anonymity. I was free from the, the day to day triggers like, you know, our local coffee shop, our supermarket, his, his favorite brand of crisps and cheese.

And, you know, all of the little things that we associate with. with our loved ones. I, I was able to remove myself from all of that. So I moved countries and I'll just circle back slightly. During that time, I had been sharing my experiences of loss and grief online. And I think because so many people had gone through something similar, it struck a chord and I built a little community on Instagram and That caught the attention of my agent and some commissioning editors at various publications who asked me to dive a little bit deeper into my experiences and, and write articles for, for their publications.

And it all just, Kind of came to be really organically and that's what landed me my, my publishing deal and, uh, led me to, to write our, our story. But, very early on in the immediate aftermath of Ben's death, I was absolutely adamant that, It wouldn't be for nothing. I really wanted to find a sense of meaning and purpose in his death.

And I felt that if I could transmute the pain and use it to help others, then, you know, somehow it would make my life worth living again. And, and here we are. And, um, I mean, I hope I've done it in some small way. And, and my intention is to continue doing that, you know, to continue using Ben's experience as a, as a means to help people. And, and in that sense, he lives on, you know, his afterglow burns bright and, and that feels really good. Well, 

Zibby: you absolutely did that, and it's amazing. The book, the book itself is, the story is so powerful, but you're a beautiful writer as you are a beautiful sort of speaker, such an amazing accent and all of that, and you're so articulate and all of that is in this book, right?

You're so self aware and, um, introspective and articulate and it all just, it all just spills out. So it's, it's really beautiful. And by the way, I think my, my books are published from little a as well. So. 

Lotte: Oh, no way. Oh my goodness. 

Zibby: Third book. So Carmen Johnson's my editor. Is she yours or no? 

Lotte: No way. No, I work with Vic Haslam.

Victoria Haslam. Yeah. Okay. I'm going to, I'm going to mention you to my editor. I bet, I bet she'll, she'll know who you are. Oh, how wonderful. What a lovely synchronicity. 

Zibby: Yes. Amazing. Um, so what now? You have this book, you're out, you know, talking about it and you know, what's the best thing that can happen?

What, what, where do you want things to go? Or is it just one foot after another? 

Lotte: It certainly was in the early days, very much just living breath by breath, moment by moment, one foot in front of the other. I'm beginning to feel. There's clarity now as to what, you know, my, my direction looks like. I'd love to write another book.

I think it will probably, probably be nonfiction again. I don't know if I've got a novel in me yet, but I, I'm actually in the process of building a support platform for Grievers and it encompasses all of the different strands of support that I felt I desperately needed. when I was in the throes of really raw early grief, but also beyond that point.

You know, I, I hope to alleviate people's pain no matter where they are in their journey through this platform. So watch this space. That's, that's the, the next big project that I'm sinking my, my teeth into at the moment. 

Zibby: Yeah. Well, if you need any help with anything or people to shout from the rooftops or any of it, just let me know.

I'm a fan, firmly in your camp. 

Lotte: Oh, thank you. I really appreciate that. Well, it's just, it's crazy to me, you know, that there's this grief connects all of us, right? And it's, it's a universal experience that we'll all go through at some point. in our lives, whether we, whether we haven't yet, we haven't already.

And yet bereavement support falls woefully short of what we need. And I just think that that's kind of bonkers when you think about it, you know? So I really hope to do, do just a little bit in, in filling, filling the gaps. Yeah. Mm. 

Zibby: Tell me just a little more about the act of writing the book and structuring the book and what that process was like and like, did you outline, did you just start going for it?

Did you, like, what was that whole process like for you? 

Lotte: So my process was quite interesting and I'm, I'm sure, you know, every, the same could be said for, for everybody's writing process, but the book that I did. originally pitched was an entirely different book altogether. So I, I worked on this proposal for about a year and a half with my agent, countless iterations back and forth between us as, yeah, you're, you're very familiar with that process.

And, Initially, we proposed a practical guide to grief, right? So there would be elements of my own experience tied in, but it was very much a guide of sorts. The publisher that I went with, Little A, they felt that my story would have more impact if I was to tell it in the format of a memoir. So, they sent me away with a publishing deal and with a 12 week turnaround for the first draft.

Mm hmm. Yeah, 12 weeks.

Zibby: Why so fast? 

Lotte: I mean, I, I'd love to know. I would love to know, Zibby. I mean, I'm sure I've aged about 20 years, my sort of internal body clock as a result. It was, it was very stressful, but yeah, the, the, the turnaround time was super quick and I didn't even have a skeleton to go off of because as I said, the proposal was for an entirely different um, idea altogether.

So it was very much a case of just every day sitting down at the laptop and trying to get down as many words as I possibly could into my word document until I reached the 60 thousand, 70 thousand mark. And then, um, I had to wait for feedback, obviously. And then over the course of the summer last year, I think again, I had around three to four months to get that first draft to the final draft ready for submission.

The original format was very bitty. It was structured in in themes, actually, as opposed to in chronological order. So the whole process was really messy, basically, because then that needed completely splicing apart and, and reiterating, uh, countless times. But we eventually got there. I think I would have liked to have had a tiny bit more time, but, you know, having had that kind of fire lit under my arse, you know, having had the pressure of a deadline, it was probably a good thing in the end because I think you know, and maybe you can relate to this.

I don't think you'll ever quite feel as though it's done, you know, there's If I'd have had another 2, 3, 5 years, it would have been a completely different, it'd be a completely different book. You know, we can continue to, to edit and re edit and splice apart and re write until the, you know, the end of time, but you have to get to a point where you just, you know, surrender.

Hand it over, you know, I did what I could in the time that I was given and I'm happy with the results. I think I, you know, I set out to tell Ben's story and to honor his life and his legacy and yeah, I feel I achieved that, so I'm happy. Was it always called Bittersweet? It was always called Bittersweet, yeah, and it was just, it was a word that just landed in my head one morning.

Yeah, I was racking my brains for weeks and weeks and weeks. I'd actually, you know, got to those final weeks before submission. I still didn't have a name for it, but I feel it encapsulates. the experience of loss and all that comes afterwards perfectly. 

Zibby: Absolutely. Oh my gosh. Well, having gone through this writing experience, do you have advice for aspiring authors who are trying to tell a story?

They're, they're hard stories. 

Lotte: Mmm. Well, I think, you know, like with anything, writing is like a muscle, right? It needs to be flexed. It needs to be trained. So write, simply, you know, simply just, just write. The blank page can feel incredibly intimidating, but the, the most important thing I think is to just get the words down on paper and to speak your truth as well.

Um, Okay. You know, there is real power in, in storytelling, in, in revealing not just the savory parts of your experience, but also, you know, the dark and the difficult parts. That's where I feel we can really find connection and relatability as readers, you know, to the author. So yeah, be, be radically honest in, in what you share.

Is there anything else? Show and don't tell. Show, show us, you know, imagine that we are a fly on the wall living, living your experience in real time. And that, that's, yeah, that's more of a kind of technical piece of advice, but, um, a quick Google search will, will give any listeners more information on, on that technique.

But yeah. I'd say that sums it up. 

Zibby: Lottie, thank you. Thank you so much. I'm, you know, blown away. The whole thing was so great. So thank you. 

Lotte: Thank you for having me. Thank you. It's been really lovely to chat to you. Thank you. 

Zibby: Okay. All right. Bye bye. Thank you. 

Lotte: Bye. Thank you. Take care. 

Zibby: You too.