Author Kareem Rosser joins Zibby to discuss (for the first time publicly) his unforgettable and heartrending new memoir, WHEN YOU’RE READY. Kareem talks about the love of his life, Lee Lee, revealing how their magnetic connection and shared love of horses and riding brought them closer despite their vastly different backgrounds. In a heartbreaking turn, Kareem recalls the devastating call he received in 2016 after Lee Lee suffered a catastrophic riding accident. He shares how his life shifted profoundly as he became Lee Lee’s unwavering support system and touches on his silent battle with grief, anxiety, and depression.

Transcript:

Zibby: Welcome, Kareem. Thank you so much for coming on Totally Booked with Zibby. Your book, When You're Ready, a love story. Oh my gosh, this book, it just slayed me.

It's so good. It's so emotional. It's so real. You've been through so much and you write so beautifully about it and so inspiring. I'm obsessed. Congratulations. Thank you. Oh my gosh. 

Kareem: Thank you. Thank you so much. I appreciate it. And I'm, I'm really excited to, uh, join you today. And to talk about the book, um, it's my first time talking about the book with anyone.

Zibby: No way. Oh my gosh. 

Kareem: So, uh, yeah, so I have not had a chance to really speak with anyone about it, um, about the writing experience, the book, how it felt, how I feel now. So, um, I'm excited to hear some of your questions and, um, hopefully, hopefully you won't have me crying on your podcast, but we'll see what we can do.

Zibby: I mean. I want to know why you decided to write the book. I'm, and I want to tell everybody basically the bones of your story or, I mean, essentially. Your love of Lili is the through line of the book and yet there is so much loss and so much Resilience at every step that it just felt like how could things like you just lost so many people you loved and I it just breaks my heart.

It really breaks my heart. I hope you know how much this is a lot for any one person to.. 

Kareem: Yeah, absolutely. Look I mean It took me some time to, I guess, get to a part of my life where I felt comfortable writing about the book. I know my agent and I spent a lot of time going back and forth. Um, are you ready to write the book yet?

And I'm like, I'm not ready yet. As you learned in the book, you know, I spent a lot of time in therapy getting to a place where, uh, I eventually got to a point where I kind of accepted who Lili is today and the loss of Lili in a sense of losing the woman that I loved and who, um, I thought eventually I would have a, a, a, a long life with.

But I just realized there were so many other people going through what I was going through. You know, just even walking into the rehab hospital and seeing some of the other families struggle, uh, with just the day to day loss or trying to get their, their, you know, family members, their husband or their wife or their child, uh, Back to health and to the strength of where they can just live a normal life, you know, and I was battling so much quietly, you know, many, many of my folks weren't really aware of my anxiety that I was dealing with a little bit of depression that I was dealing with during Lily's loss.

I just woke up every day and I smiled and I went on with my day and. I realized that Lili needed me there and that was the only thing I was thinking about. But at the same time, you know, there were so many other people within the family that were struggling. You know, Evie, Lili's mom, um, you know, we showed up every day and we hugged each other and we talked, but we never really even talked about our anxiety or depression or things that we were going through.

We were just so present for Lili. And so it was about time that decided to just step back, accept it, and then write about it and hopefully share it with people and hopefully make a difference. Um, but really, I just wanted to, uh, write in a way that would let other folks know that they weren't alone. 

Zibby: Wow.

Well, you did that. You wrote in such an accessible, heartfelt, like beautiful way that it's impossible not to feel not to like clutch your chest reading it and there are plenty of very positive moments. I don't mean to suggest this is a doomsday book. This is very, you know, inspiring. Really? Let's go back.

So in your Lili and that her accident, her writing accident. Talk about that. How you found her. You kept hearing about her online through the writing world, growing up in the bottom, your family. Your mom's abuse. Oh my gosh, there was just so much. Your friend Mecca. Right, Mecca? 

Kareem: Yeah, Mecca, yes, yes. 

Zibby: Oh my gosh, even that, that was so sad.

I mean, you could have written a book just about that. But anyway, there were so many things. But start, talk a little, just give everybody an overview. 

Kareem: Yeah, so summer of 2014, I came back to Philly because I was finishing up my second year at Colorado State University where I was there playing polo and riding as well.

And I realized, um, in that summer that I was not, I didn't really have any plans on becoming a professional polo player. I was at some point going to use my degree in economics and also wanted to return back to Philadelphia. So I got an internship in Philly as a financial analyst, and that was the first time actually lead.

And I met up because we, I guess, prior to that, spent a lot of time online. I heard about her through family and friends. Um, a lot of folks were just saying. You know, you need to meet this wonderful girl, Lili. She's beautiful. She's an amazing writer. And I had to check out, I had to go online and check her out and see what everyone was talking about.

Um, and it actually turned out to be true. She, uh, she is this incredibly gorgeous woman who was also, um, happened to be an amazing writer. So, you know, we, we spent, I guess, several months trying to find time to meet up. Uh, life happens and, um, the summer of 2014, I finally came back, uh, to Philadelphia and she was home riding.

And so we connected in that summer. It was probably one of the best summers of my life because I met the love of my life at that time, that being Lili. And then I was also playing polo. Uh, and then at the same time I was, uh, finally getting some real world, uh, job experience and you know, as a financial analyst or at least as an intern, uh, for the summer.

Cause prior to that, I spent every summer riding horses, playing polo. Um, and to me, that wasn't really a job. It was just, I was doing something that I loved. And so it was, it was about time to, to do something new. So Lili and I connected that summer and the first date was incredible. I just remember it was the first time I really like fell in love with a woman.

Uh, and also became obsessed with someone. I don't think I really ever talked about how obsessed I was with Lili. Uh, I just kind of kept playing it cool. But she. I mean, she is, she still is just this incredible human. I mean, yes, physically she was amazing, but just who she was as a person was incredible.

So we spent that summer getting to know each, knowing each other. She met my family. We rode together. It was the first time I really got a chance to ride with a girl that I fell in love with. And we had so many things in common despite, you know, our backgrounds, despite the differences in our backgrounds, you know, she grew up.

Um, you know, in the wealth of Pennsylvania on the countryside, and I grew up in inner city, Philadelphia, uh, we were just in many ways opposite, but, you know, obviously the, uh, our love for horses and also what I later learned is Lili's love for just, just giving back. Um, she was just, uh, just a special human, you know, and, uh, the big thing that really.

I guess drew me to her is her comfort around my family and friends. We grew up, as I mentioned, in two different backgrounds, but because I saw how comfortable she was around my family, um, it just made me fall in love even more. 

Zibby: No, it's okay. I mean, it's not okay, but take your time. 

Kareem: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, and, and so the summer went by and then I eventually went back to school and went to Colorado State.

Um, yeah, I was finishing my time at Colorado State University there. Uh, and then we started our long distance relationship. And so, you know, during that time, it was, as I talked about, there were so many challenges of being in a long distance relationship, you know, for me, I, uh, I talk about my fidelity, uh, which was, you know, honestly.

Very embarrassing and hard to talk about, but it was part of our story and I thought it was important to share as, uh, you know, many people deal with, um, you know, long distance relationships and struggle with monogamy and those things. And so that was something that was, uh, it was a challenge for me, but we got through our time..

Um, while I was at Colorado State University, and then, um, eventually I graduated in 2016, which was, uh, an incredible year being the first of my family to graduate, uh, college. And, um, I moved back to Philly excited. To, uh, start a life with Lili, um, it was the first time that we were going to be together in the same place, not dealing with going back to school.

Uh, she was just accepted to the University of Pennsylvania, uh, where she started a master's program in social work. I started my first job in finance as an analyst. I was living in downtown Philly. Like life was perfect. Life was great. There was everything that I dreamed of as a kid was finally uh, coming to life.

And, and, um, you know, I had my dream girl, I had my dream apartment. I was near my family. I finally had money in my bank account or at least consistent income. Uh, so there were so many things that I was happy about. And, um, you know, then I got back. I returned back to Philly and started to deal with the inevitable struggles around being home, being close to the neighborhoods that I grew up in that was, you know, or that is, and I guess you'd say, you know, it's a very tough place to grow up in, very easily to get, you know, very easily to get pulled back in.

And so, um, you know, I was dealing with those struggles. So Lili and I, Uh, broke up for a bit and then eventually, um, you know, I said, this is, we're, I'm done breaking up with you where we're, we're going to be together forever. And we're all done. And then, uh, December of 22nd and 2016, um, it was. It's one of the worst days of my life.

You know, I get a phone call from Lili's, uh, stepfather, Philip Dutton, who, uh, tells me that Lili's been in a horrible riding accident. And, you know, at that time, I, all I knew was that Lili fell off a horse and she hit her head and she was being medevaced to, uh, Christiana Hospital in Delaware. I had every thought running through my mind, um, is she alive?

You know, did I just lose the love of my life? What's happening? I had no information. And, uh, I showed up and, you know, I met, I was greeted by her, her parents or both her stepdad or her, uh, biological father, her mother and sisters. And, uh, the doctor walked in and said that Lili may not survive. And. Yeah, I just lost it.

We all lost it. And I broke down and, um, you know, prior to Lily's accident, I've suffered a lot of loss that you'll obviously learn about in the book. But this was a different type of loss. You know, this was the first time, you know, where I almost lost someone that I thought I was going to marry. Right? So, in many ways, I felt like we were already married.

And then that phone call it, it changed my life forever. It changed her life forever. It changed her family's life forever. And, um, you know, we were here and, you know, my, the one thing that I said to Lili when she was in the ICU was, uh, that if she decided to live, that I will always be by her side no matter what.

And, um, that's what I've been doing for the last eight years is, uh, sticking by her side. As her, uh, as her now just, um, very, very, uh, good friend. 

Zibby: Aww. I feel like you're more than just her very good friend. The two of you have a relationship that is so special and different. With a history that there are no adequate words that could sum it up.

And I know from finishing the book and everything how you are in your life now. I kind of don't want to give it away because as I read it, I was like, it was such a joy to get to the end and see your whole journey. But, but it's, and I know you've had such a hard time and I'm not going to ever say moving on because you're not going to move on ever.

Lily's a part of you and your love for her will never go away. But even just reducing the time for your visits was. And Dr. Berman, I guess, was such a huge help in being like, it's okay, it's okay. That you're going to have your life and it's that that's not any sort of betrayal and it's not going back on your word.

It's something that it's a gift. You have to sort of play out and hopefully, you know, she would want that as well. And I know you've reclaimed that, but the journey to getting there and how You struggled through that and made sense of it and came to terms with it and wrote it all down so that the rest of us could read it.

I mean, that is amazing. It's really amazing. When, so when did you start writing about any of this? Like when, when, when did you realize that would help if it did? 

Kareem: Yeah. So, uh, honestly during the first, when her, when her accident first happened and it even like a few years as through our recovery, I didn't write about it at all.

Really. I just, uh, I took a lot of photos. Um, I mean, between when she's in a rehab, when she came home and she went back into the rehab, a lot of videos, a lot of photos. Um, but I know her mother, Evie, uh, she did a lot of writing in her journal, but for me. You know, I was just moving so fast in life. There were so many other things going on too.

And, uh, and my way of being present is not necessarily just writing things down as physically being with that person. It's holding that person. It's going through the rough days, going through the great days, you know, holding her up at therapy, holding her hand in her hand by her bedside, feeding her, going on walks.

I just wanted to be present. I wanted to be here with her. And when I was alone, you know, honestly, I was suffering. And I was just struggling with my mental health and, you know, I would sometimes isolate myself or I would go and spend time with my friends, but I never, never sat down and did any writing.

It wasn't really up until, you know, I ended up going back to my agent, Emma, and, um, you know, telling her I'm ready to actually, uh, start the writing process where, um, I spent time starting to, you know, put my thoughts together, looking at photos, going back to, you know, I guess several going back several years and reliving those experiences because I, I knew that it would be painful to relive them to look at some of those photos to bring back some of those memories that I didn't want to relive, but at the same time, I realized that it was very, very important.

To do it, if I, if simply just help other people and I did it in a way where I didn't want to hold anything back. I told myself that if I was going to write this book, I was going to be incredibly vulnerable. I was going to be incredibly honest and I wasn't going to hold anything back because I didn't think it would do any justice to folks that I would hope to help heal at some point.

Zibby: Wow. Wait, but how did you end up with an agent and a book deal before you wrote anything? You just, you knew you wanted to write it at some point or you went out with it? 

Kareem: So I actually wrote, um, this is my second memoir. So my first one is called Crossing the Line. Um, so I've been with my agent now for over, I guess, uh, seven years.

Um, so this is, this is my second book. So Emma and I have already established a relationship and, and then Emma, uh, you know, said whenever you're ready to write the second one. Let's get it done. 

Zibby: Got it. Okay. Sorry about that. I'm so sorry. I read every word of this book, but I didn't realize you had written another book, so I'm so sorry.

Kareem: It's okay. It's okay. You'll have to check it out. It's called Crossing the Line. 

Zibby: I'm going to check it out because now I'm kind of like obsessed with how you write and your whole story and your life and all of that, so I will definitely go back and read that as well. Oh my gosh. You write really well. And very openly about your panic attacks and your mother's panic attack and you know that you have this beautiful conversation together about when you both realize that you're, you have.

You, you've both had panic attacks, but never really talked about it till later in your life and how you cope with anxiety and how it wasn't the thing to go get therapy and all of that in your background and everything. Talk about learning and coping with the fact that you have this predisposition and how you manage it even today.

Kareem: Yeah, no, absolutely. So I think, um, you know, in my, my first book, I set it up a little bit with my anxiety and, uh, and also I wrote about Mecca in my first book as well. But, you know, when I, I really, I learned about my anxiety, I guess I didn't learn it. Looking back on it, I, Can figure out when I started to have pain when I started to have panic attack panic attacks and anxiety was back when I was Eight nine year old boy when I lost my friend Mecca Harris when her her father and her mother were all executed in their basement back in 2003 that was the first time when I realized that I wasn't safe as a kid that kids can also die and Bullets weren't just meant for adults and I also recall just that period of time in my life There were a string of murders That occurred, and there were probably a handful of kids that died, and I was very aware of kids dying at a young age, and when I became aware of that, it was, that's when I started to have anxiety, and, and I was having, I was having trouble breathing at night.

I was afraid to sleep in the dark. I was afraid to leave my front porch because I of the risk of getting shot and at that time I thought I was just I just had respiratory issues and and you know that I maybe had asthma because I know asthma is something that ran in my family and so I spent time going to the doctors and the doctors said nothing's wrong with you.

You're absolutely fine. Never came up that I may have any mental health issues or anything around anxiety. I didn't even know anything about anxiety until later in life. And then, you know, as I eventually got older and went through, you know, my Different, I guess, levels of education in high school and college.

I would have panic attacks, but still didn't really have a name for it. Um, it was just, uh, you know, something that was going on in my life and I would just get over it. But not really, it wasn't really until I met Ellen, my therapist. Um, that I truly started to understand anxiety and inability to breathe or to feel like the world is collapsing on you, you know, and my mom at that time, you know, my mom's now is probably what, I think, five, one of five years sober, five or six years sober, and she spent a lot of her time dealing with her anxiety, depression with by just using.

So, um, you know, she also doesn't have the vocabulary, didn't have the vocabulary to even explain how I may have felt at a particular time because she didn't even know how she was feeling. She was just using to deal with her trauma. And I also didn't understand how trauma has. Informed my later years in life and how it has, you know, uh, all the negative effects that it has on me today.

Uh, there were so many things that I just didn't know what I was in the world. I didn't know, I didn't have the vocabulary, you know, I didn't really know what depression meant. Um, again, you always, at least where I grew up, you know, if you were sad, you were told to shut the F up and move on and keep on with your day, right?

So, I've been conditioned this certain way to live as this strong masculine black man who, you know, shove all their problems under a mattress. But fortunately, you know, when I graduated school, my boss, Joe Manheim, you know, introduced me to Ellen and, uh, it was my, you know, it was Definitely much needed just because of I wasn't able to function at work.

I didn't, I couldn't think clear and it was obvious that I needed help. And when I met Ellen, it's just, I've learned so much about myself, uh, but simply just being able to take the vocabulary and, and apply it or, or understand it and, and understand, you know, my feelings and my thoughts. And, you know, why am I having a difficult time breathing?

You know, how. An incident from 12 years ago is affecting me today, all of these things that I just started to learn about myself and learn about anxiety. But the other pieces that I, you know, that I learned about myself, which was, I thought was really cool is I use my anxiety to get me to where I am today.

Right? So there are pieces of anxiety that are actually good, right? Not all anxiety is bad. Anxiety. It lets, you know, informs us that we're human, we're alive, you know, it helps us, you know, protect ourselves in many ways. And then there's a piece of anxiety that is, it's too much, right? Um, you are, you're in that constant, uh, fight or flight mode, right?

That becomes overwhelming mentally, you know, physically, right? So you start learning about these things. And now that my mom is sober, uh, we spend so much time talking about our anxiety and our past. And, you know, I'm down. Coaching my mom through her therapy sessions or the, the personal therapy sessions that we have with each other, you know, the other day I was explaining to my mom, you know, the dopamine chemical and how it naturally occurs in, you know, why you feel good when you work, when you work out, um, versus, you know, the whole fight or flight thing.

And I was explaining that to her and why that could become overwhelming and your brain is on overdrive. And so all these things that. That was never in our world or resources that we had access to and now we do. So we spend time talking about it a lot. And um, so my anxiety has not gone away, but I use it all the time to motivate me, but it's now in a place where I can manage it.

Zibby: Wow. I mean, that's like the therapy success story of all time. Right? That is. That is. Exactly why therapy exists. Give people the tools to manage their emotions, to communicate, to identify, to realize that they're not alone and all of that. And I guess, you know, a fabulous book comes out of it. That's not the worst thing that can happen.

So can you just give me the, the postscript to the whole book? Like, what is your life like now? What, like, where are you still in finance? Like, tell me your, your story. 

Kareem: Yeah. So I am. I'm no longer in finance. I actually transitioned out of my analyst role. I'm now working full time at the charity that I grew up in work to write as the executive vice president.

I have been leading many of the development efforts there. Um, we're just wrapping up a 15 million campaign. Um, Uh, that I led and raised money for on, uh, to help build a new indoor riding pole facility at our site in Philadelphia and West Vermont Park. Um, I'm helping institutionalize the organization and build another succession plan for our, uh, our charity.

I still go and visit Lili very often. I see her about twice a month now. Um, as you would learn in the book, I was there almost every day. Uh, I went and saw her the other day. So still very, very close with her. Uh, she is doing very well, you know, in her recovery. We would, you know, have loved to see more out of her recovery, but She is who she is today and we love her the same and, um, as I said before, I, you know, have continued to stick by her side and I will continue to stick by her side.

Um, one of the other exciting things is I joined the board of the, um, of the, uh, Rehab Hospital, the Bryn Mawr Rehab Hospital Foundation, where Lili, uh, spent majority of her time recovering. Um, we are in the, uh, we actually are in the process of finalizing and setting up a, uh, patient's assistance fund in Uh, that fund, um, the endowment fund will go and support, uh, other TBI, uh, families and, and patients who unfortunately will suffer, uh, TBIs.

One of the things, one of my goals as a member of the board was to figure out how to give folks access to a place like Grand Mar Rehab. It is a very, very, very special place. There's obviously, it has a special place in my heart and, and, you know, and just the simple fact of how it has helped Lili. So I want to be able to make sure that we can give other folks access to that.

So, um, we have a goal of raising 50, 000 to seed the endowment within the next few months. But my goal is to grow that endowment as much as we possibly can. Um, I'm going to commit, um, a percentage of my, uh, book proceeds to the endowment in perpetuity. So to help that grow and support, uh, uh, folks there. I am, uh, I have a, have a, have a daughter now.

Um, I'm married. And, uh, so I'm, uh, very, very happy about that. And so I'm, you know, living my life, raising my daughter and, uh, spending time with my family who is essentially just an. extension of Lili's family. So we blended our families and I'm really, really excited about that to just be able to share these moments that I thought I would have with Lili, just the two of us.

But now I get to get to blend my family and spend time with Lili in that way. And yeah, so now I'm, you know, I'm Now I'm just, uh, uh, wrapping up, uh, um, I guess not wrapping up, but starting the tour of the new book and getting and releasing the new book and hoping that it just lands, uh, in the hands of people who really need it most.

And I learned that there's a lot of folks who would benefit from reading this book. It doesn't matter if you're. You know, if a family member had a, you know, TBI or anything, but I think it just touched on so many important points in life that eventually someone will go through. Um, and so I'm just, I'm really, really excited to get it out there.

And I just want to encourage people to pick up the book, uh, not because I just. want to have book sales, but I truly genuinely just want the book to help, um, whoever I think may need it. 

Zibby: When they're ready, they will read it, right? 

Kareem: Exactly, exactly. 

Zibby: And just quickly, like, what was the experience like for you to write through your life and relive it?

And was it cathartic? Did you cry writing it? Did you feel a sense of closure having written about it? Like, what was this experience like for you? 

Kareem: Yeah, it was, I mean, honestly, cliche, it was an emotional rollercoaster, really, you know, it was definitely cathartic, you know, there were moments where I was just incredibly sad, uh, there were parts of the book where, you know, I had to just stop reading for a second and writing and thinking about it, uh, just because it was just a tough moment, um, I actually recently read.

Did the audio for the book, and it was my, I didn't do the audio for my first book. And, uh, I, I imagine that it would be a difficult process for, um, on many levels. Um, but it was, it was very, very emotional. I think I probably, I don't know, stopped a thousand times because I couldn't stop crying, um, as I was, as I was reading the book.

But. Just going through the writing process. Yeah, it was just, it was an emotional rollercoaster at the end of it. I was very proud of the work and what was done and, and happy. And now I just, I just hope that people pick up the book and just, and read it and understand that, um, life doesn't always go as planned and that's okay.

Right. You can get back up. You can find a new path. You can find new love. Um, I say in our viewers online in the book, I talk about how love is not static. Right. Um, it transforms and that's one of the things that I want people to understand. Uh, um, you know, sometime, uh, loss just brings new opportunity. Um, and one of the things that I always talk about is I can always find good and bad situations.

Like I always look for the good and bad situations. Uh, I'm more of a, um, of a thick glass is half full. Type of guy, you know, and so I've done all the good things and really situation artists or my situation with Lili and the accident, you know, I think it just, yeah, there were so many, there were so many, I guess, things I can pick at and talk about that.

I thought were there were good. And that sounds weird about, you know, how do you find good in a horrible situation with someone who has a traumatic brain injury, but there were so many good things that came, you know, just to, you The new people that I've met at the hospital and the other, you know, friends and family that I've never met before, the new relationships that I've built over time.

So there were so many great things that have come from the book, but I guess the one way of answering the writing process, um, it was an emotional roller coaster, but I'm very, very happy that I did it. And I just hope again, I just really hope that it benefits more folks than just myself. 

Zibby: It absolutely will.

The book is so good. I am sure it will find its audience, a very wide audience. It's so compelling and emotional and inspiring. I really loved it. Great job on the book and also sorry about it. David, I mean, all of your losses. I'm just, Kareem, I just, if we were here, I would give you a huge hug. You need it for me.

I'm sure you've got plenty of hugs, but I just, you know, you can't not want to give you a hug after reading this book. So congratulations. Thank you for writing it. And I am just so rooting for you in life and for you to have all the happiness you deserve. You're such a good guy and such a giver. And it's just really beautiful to see.

Kareem: So, Thank you, Zibby. I appreciate it and, uh, thanks for picking up the book and reading it and helping me share it, uh, with the world. You know, yeah, again, it's, uh, this is, uh, it's, uh, it's an exciting time and I'm, I'm looking forward to seeing, uh, you know, what's to come. 

Zibby: Amazing. All right. Well, congratulations.

Kareem: Thank you. I appreciate it. All right. Good luck. Yes. Good luck with everything.