Writer, comedian, producer, TV host, activist, and author of six consecutive New York Times bestsellers, Chelsea Handler, chats with Zibby about her latest book, I’LL HAVE WHAT SHE’S HAVING, a surprisingly vulnerable, utterly hilarious, and always outrageous essay collection that captures her exhilarating, antic-filled, and joyful life. Chelsea delves into her unique takes on relationships, independence and solitude, and handling criticism. She also shares unforgettable life moments, from a transformative encounter with Jane Fond to skiing in Whistler to an unexpected visit to Kennebunkport, where three edibles helped her keep her cool!

Transcript:

Zibby: Welcome, Chelsea. Thank you so much for coming on Totally Booked to talk about I'll Have What She's Having. Congratulations.

Chelsea: Thank you. 

Thank you. 

Nice to meet you. 

Zibby: Nice to meet you. Okay. Tell listeners what this book is about, please. 

Chelsea: Um, I think this book is about infusing optimism in times of, uh, despair or unease, while also serving as a reminder for women, especially to check in with ourselves and make sure that we are turning into the women that we wanted to become.

Zibby: I love that you manifested your whole life when you were younger. Like, this is it. This is who I want to be. Let's see how I can make this happen. I mean, all I said is like, I want to be a teacher. I want to be a writer. Anyway, pretty impressive. 

Chelsea: Thank you. Thank you. I think that, you know, especially now what we're experiencing as a country And just this backlash against women, I have no doubt in us, you know, I have no misgivings about how powerful women are.

And we are in this situation right now because of that power and because of the threat that that serves up to people who can't deal with, you know, women being powerful, but we're not going anywhere. So this is just another bump in the road because women are powerful. We are the source of almost everything.

And we're so smart. And like, we're finally figuring that out as a collective, I think. And while, while the backdrop is not pretty. I, I'm very optimistic about what is to come. 

Zibby: Well, speaking of powerful women, you early in the book have a meeting with Jane Fonda who gives you some rather unsavory feedback about your behavior, which you take very well and actually use to re-examine yourself and change. Tell me about that and how you can take advice and not be defensive. 

Chelsea: Well, I learned in therapy, one of the first things I learned in therapy was about being defensive and if you are being defensive, you're usually wrong. Like if you're right, you don't have to defend yourself.

You don't care. You know the truth. You know the sky is blue, that your eyes are blue, that you know, the laundry, like the washing machine is going. I know all of those things to be true. So, like, if you're right, you're right, you, you, like, you know, you don't have to defend yourself and defending yourself also makes you lose control, right?

Because you're like, no, I did that. I did do that. I did it. Like, it's kind of just a lose lose situation. So and then also when someone's telling you something, like all you can say is thank you. And if they're completely out of their tree and they're not making. Like they're not saying something that you believe to be true, then who cares anyway?

Like it only matters if it is true.

Zibby: It's easier to hear that, but less easy to internalize. 

Chelsea: Yeah. Yeah. And I'm, I mean, people are always assuming that I have no, you know, that I haven't so guarded or protected. Like I just, everything rolls off my back or. You know, that I'm so confident at people. Are we saying, where do you get your confidence from?

I'm like, where's your confident? Where's your confidence. We should all be confident. We should be instilling that in each other. You know, I want all of us to be confident. I want all of our young women that are coming up in this world to experience the confidence that I feel every day. 

Zibby: From your mouth to God's ears.

Let's just say that. I hope that happens too. That would be amazing. You've served as a role model for a lot of people yourself. Oopsie whoopsie or I don't know. I'm probably getting their dates wrong. Oopsie whoopsie whoopsie. Anyway,.. 

Chelsea: The whoopsie whoopsie. 

Zibby: Yes. And that was so nice. So you date, you, you can tell the story of it in the book.

You were dating. Someone got quite attached to his kids. You were so helpful to them. You filled a void in their lives and maintained this relationship with them for so long. Talk a little bit about that and sort of stepping into this role, which you funnily enough, call yourself father in this dynamic, but talk about that role and sort of inherited family.

Chelsea: Well, there are so many people, women, I mean, people would never know how many children there are in my life, how many children that I'm really close to. many children that are, I mean, there's lots of them and not just my nieces and nephews Children. And, um, so I kind of found myself, you know, I've never wanted a baby, but people automatically assume if you don't want a child or you don't, that you're, that you don't like children.

It's not that I don't like children. I just don't want one. It's like a pastrami sandwich. I'm not interested. You know, I can appreciate them, you know, good, go get one, but not for me. Like that message alone is now becoming louder. People are saying and expressing, yes, I don't want to have a child. That's not for me.

And I also don't want to be married. These can be antiquated notions. You know, when you break them all down, what are all these institutions about? It's kind of all pretty stupid. So I want to like, you know, get after life and really impact the young people around me to feel and instill in them that the way.

That, you know, the way that I feel about the world, which is anything is possible and, and you, and to have an impact on young people's lives, like poopsie, whoopsie, noopsie, like to be there for them, to want them, want my attention is basically all I need. If you need me, I'm coming, but if you don't need me, great.

But, you know, like to be of service to young people and, and the amount of young people I'm able to, whose lives I am able to impact because I didn't have my own children, because I don't have a family of my own to focus on. Has allowed me to grow so much and has given me so much more, you know, purpose and joy than I that I would have ever hoped to feel as a person who never had children. 

Zibby: Well, I just, I just love that. I mean, babies as pastrami sandwiches. Who knew, right? Who knew? You tell a lot of stories in the book about different situations you find yourself in that are funny and sad and all the things. One of which, which I guess could be construed as both in given your points of view, but going to Kennebunkport where other members of your family we're like, yes, you have to go if you've gotten this invitation and meeting the former president and while you're, you know, having edibles and whatever and like, you know, wearing sunglasses and trying to see him for who he is as a man and not necessarily his beliefs and all of that. Like, tell me a little bit about that story and, and why you put it in.

Chelsea: I put it in because it was just one more example of the ridiculous circumstances I find myself in, all the time. Anytime my family's with me, they're like, oh my god, you know, it's only because of you that these things happen. I'm like, yeah, the good and the bad. So, uh, going to Kenny Bunkport was not on my wish list because of my political I just was not interested in that and I'm friends with his daughter, Barbara Bush, who is featured in the book and they invited our family and friends to go over there to play pickleball, another activity I'm not interested in.

And I was coerced by my siblings who were like, don't take this opportunity away from us, Chelsea. We are going to Kennebunkport with or without you. I wanted to say good luck getting in without me, but. So we went and I, I, in order to subdue my personality, something else I learned through therapy is to drug myself.

Like I have to, if I'm going to deal with a person that I find difficult, I need to take an edible and then I can deal with them. Like I know to prepare myself for situations in ways that we, in which I didn't before. So like you, you take out the irritation of the exchange and you're kinder and nicer to the person.

So it's a win win.

Zibby: So, and that's, this is an alternative to cognitive behavioral therapy. This is just.. 

Chelsea: Exactly. 

Zibby: For people who don't have time. 

Chelsea: Take an edible. So, yes, I went over there and I had taken three edibles. That's, that's how much I needed to make sure that I didn't, you know, confront him about anything on his property.

Like I don't want to be like that. So, and I, I have an, I have a habit and a history of outbursts. So I knew that I had to really rein it in, you know, so I did take three edibles when I got there, Barbara lie, Barbara Bush told me he would be getting a massage and that I would not meet him. And I met him within five minutes of being on the Pickleball Court, and I was, and I was, yes, it was a ridiculous situation.

And then he showed me his personal painting collection and asked me to take my sunglasses off. And then I had to reveal to him that I was stoned. 

Zibby: Oh my gosh. So you have these like moments that few people in the world have. And then you, you flip to really, you know, just reveling in isolation and how great it can feel to be alone and how you've learned to be alone and how when you got to Canada to be in Whistler, you didn't mind the mandatory time to just read and hang out in your underwear or whatever.

Tell me about that and, and learning to accept to be alone and all of that. 

Chelsea: Well, I think the, the, the, it's, it's combined because the whole point of the Bush story also like the kind of sub, sub story to that is that it is another example of always remaining who you are, no matter what circumstances you are in.

Like I was going to always remain true to myself. So that meant taking three edibles and, and, and also telling everybody when, you know, like being truthful about it, like remaining who you are in situations. Like that most people in the world don't get to experience, I think is another thing that we should all aim to be doing is being ourselves more.

And I think the reason you get to find out who you are, is by spending time alone. Like my time in Whistler that you were just referring to was like the first period of time where I was an adult and I could do just what I want when I wanted. No one, even though I can kind of do that, I just have so many responsibilities elsewhere.

So I was up here just behaving like. However I wanted. And I was just walking around my underwear, smoking weed. I read like 30 books in two weeks. I read so many books and I was at the time of my life. I was quarantining for two weeks. So that's why I read so many books in that short amount of time. And then I just got up and skied for like 50 days in a row after, and it just felt.

Like, I, I was, I, I, I got introduced to myself. 

Zibby: Okay. I love that. You can hear your internal voice kind of talking to you, right? When you tell us about skiing and having, you know, you're like, why am I risking my life to chase after two elderly women who are so much faster than me skiing? Like, what am I doing?

And we all have those moments, right? Like, okay, I, I'm in this competitive situation, but like, what am I, I don't even want to be in this competitive situation. Can't I just, stop. How do you think you're able, aside from, obviously, this great therapist, who everybody listening to this is going to want to have as a therapist after this, but how do you think for people who it's harder for to sort of see themselves from the outside and step aside and say like, wait a minute, look at my behavior.

Right? It's a skill that you have to learn, not to be so in it. 

Chelsea: It's self awareness, like actually thinking about how you're coming across rather than just coming across. Like considering other people's reactions to you, which something I never really did for so long. So that was kind of a wake up call, you know, and I think for regular people, it's, it's, it's just more listening and less talking.

Like there was a period of time where I just didn't really have much to say because I was just watching everything. And it was pretty, you know, it's not, it wasn't necessarily fun, but the gift of self awareness is like the best gift you can give yourself. So it's important to be alone. It's important to be alone with uncomfortable feelings and not try to have somebody else fix them or heal them.

It's important for you to go through emotions and know that when you come out, you're going to be okay. And it's important for all women to know that right when they're about to go through a difficult situation that they're going to get through it. And there's going to be a rainbow on the other side. I promise you, like we all need to know that.

And, and I think you get that from spending time alone and actually practicing, like being really into yourself in a way, generous of spirit, not in a way that is. You have your head up your ass in a way that it allows you to give so much more to other people because then you're so confident and solid that you're able to spread love and joy and like really kind of light people up when they're down and pick people up.

Like that's a role that I take kind of seriously, not kind of, I mean, I take seriously, like I really do. It makes me proud to be a woman that will help another woman when they're in despair or they're distraught or they're going through something difficult. And I think we're all just realizing how important and not just realizing, but definitely in my lifetime, it feels like a moment where women are really recognizing the power that we have and how important it is to uplift each other.

And yeah, so I think that all comes from spending time alone. 

Zibby: Amazing. I don't know. When I spend time alone and read, I don't necessarily come out with a new vantage point. So this is good. This is, uh, maybe it has to be in a ski location for it to really work. 

Chelsea: Who knows? Well, it has to be intentional that you really, like, want to get, you can't, you know what I mean?

You have to get uncomfortable with yourself. You have to be uncomfortable to get really comfortable. So it's like, you have to be alone and you have to. I don't want to have conversations that are not necessarily, you know, like you don't want to have certain conversations, but it's important to, because anything you can say, you can say with love.

You don't have, not everything has to be a conflict. And I, I think there's just so many benefits. Now I spend a little bit too much time alone. Like now my friends are like, okay. And I'm like, okay, but I have to be home by nine. Like I feel like I'm, when I'm in Whistler, I feel like I'm camping, you know, I'm just like so cozy.

I just want to get into bed all the time, but yeah, I think it's very important to be alone. 

Zibby: So what do you get from writing books? Like what are some of the biggest perks? Why do you keep writing books? What is it? Why this book? Like what do you get from it? 

Chelsea: Well, they're all different. I mean, I started writing books that were just funny essays and then.

My last book got more serious. I mean, it's still funny, but there's serious parts to it and a serious through line. And then this book was very reflective. And I think what I get out of it is different at each with each book. I think this book, I'm going to get a lot. I think I'm hitting people at the right time with what I want to say.

And if I didn't have anything to say, I wouldn't, I wouldn't say anything. Like now, at least I can say that I wouldn't say anything at all because I had this book. It was, I got this book deal when I was dating Joe Coy and I had this very public love affair and everyone was just so happy for us. And so this editor was like, we would love for you, Chelsea Handler, to write a book about falling in love.

Like it's very unexpected. It's very public facing. And I was like, sure, no problem. But then we broke up and I was like, Oh, whoopsie doodle now. And then I was like, okay, well maybe I can write a book about it breaking up because kind of everything you and I have been talking about is stuff that I was applying to that breakup.

Like I handled it so well. I. I didn't yell or scream. There was no art. You know, it was just like, this is an adult decision. I have to, I have to choose me right now. I'm, I didn't want to break up, but you're giving me no choice. Like I have to break up with you now. And, and I'm going to be fine. Like all of the things that we said earlier was that situation.

I was able to apply to that, but that book was, was based on me falling in love. And then it became, Oh, well, why don't you write a book about breaking up? And I was like, I don't really want to write a book about breaking up. That's not, you know, and then as time went on, I was like that's a part of my story, but that's not the story.

Like that relationship was going to be its own book. That relationship turns out to be just a chapter. 

Zibby: And by the way, I feel like you handled that so tastefully, you know, you were like, I'm not going to go into everything. Here's what you, the reader needs to know and like, get out of my business. 

Chelsea: Yeah. So that was new too.

Zibby: Yes. You know, boundaries is very important, right? 

Chelsea: Yeah. I mean, so for this book, the reasoning, like there was all that, that kind of context to go along with it. And then, and I think I feel sort of responsible to women and, and want, and want to give them like, you know, some hope and like some, an injection.

of, you know, positivity and like, get after it. Don't lose hope and like, be good to yourself, you know, let's all become the women that we want to be. 

Zibby: I should know this, but have you given like a commencement address yet at a college? 

Chelsea: No, I have not. Oh, oh yes. Well, something like that, I think. Something like that.

Zibby: Yes. I feel like that is in your future. That's, I'm just predicting that right now. 

Chelsea: Oh, I love that. That'll be my next phase. 

Zibby: That'll be your next face. I love it. Do you feel pressure to be funny all the time? Like, what if you don't feel funny? Like, do you feel like you need to perform for people? Or do you, can you just like 

Chelsea: No, I don't anymore.

I used to, I think, but I don't anymore. I mean, I don't perform. No. I, I mean, I have a good time and I'm, I'm much quieter than I used to be in the, in the sense of like, you know, partying and being out with your friends and stuff. Like that was a loud, the louder lifestyle than what I'm up to these days. But yeah, I mean, I think it's just that you're, you're, you just become more of who you are, right?

Like. They are leaning into who you are and you're not, you're not apologizing for any of it. And that's kind of how I feel and how I felt for quite some time without understanding like the heft behind it. 

Zibby: Got it. Amazing. So aside from being a commencement speaker, what else do you think is going to be in your future after this book?

Do you have other plans, other exciting ventures coming? 

Chelsea: I have some plans, but I can't really announce anything yet. All I can announce is that I have another Netflix special coming out, a new Netflix special that comes out on March 25th. So that will be one month after my book comes out. And yes, I have a lot of stuff in the works, but nothing that I can, I'm going to do some, some different stuff this year.

I'm doing a European tour, which I haven't done in many years, which I'm excited about, but that's just like four weeks going all through, um, Western Europe. And then I am gonna go, I have my Vegas residency, I do Vegas once a month, so I have that. But other than that, I'm gonna do stuff that I've never done before.

So I'm excited to share that, but I can't right now. 

Zibby: Okay. Well, that's okay. We got like a little teaser and that's exciting. 

Chelsea: Like huffing. 

Zibby: No, no. Don't worry about it. Do you find when you're just hanging out with friends, are you often giving advice or is it in just at certain points or is it, cause I feel like you have a lot of advice to give and a lot of insights to share.

Is it, is it that kind of dynamic with your friends? 

Chelsea: Oh yes. A lot of them it is, but a lot of them it's just stupid, funny, silly. Like we're not really talking about anything serious, but I'm definitely somebody who it gives their opinion on things. And yes, I think most people just need a little boost.

Like my podcast that I do is callers calling in for advice. So that's a commencement speech right there. 

Zibby: That's true. Yeah. You could just excerpt from that. Yeah. I'll just take your transcripts and I'll just send one over. You know, you can put it in chat GPT or something. Have it already. 

Chelsea: Yeah. I mean, it's quite accurate.

Zibby: What's something that is a misconception about you that's really irritating? 

Chelsea: I really wouldn't know. 

Zibby: And what about advice for aspiring authors? 

Chelsea: Oh, just to, first of all, anyone can write a book. We've shown that that's been demonstrated time and time again, so you can definitely do it. It's a matter of actually sitting down and doing it and you have to write to write.

That's it. You have to sit down and write and then you're going to write more and then you're going to write more and then you're going to have something and it's going to take a long time and it's going to be like, but you're creating something and that's it's like two steps forward, three steps back, and then success.

Zibby: You also made that sound very easy, which is great. Everything. It's like in the palm of my hand after this. I love it. And just quickly, like, what books are you loving or favorite books of all time or books that make you laugh or? Any books to recommend?

Chelsea: I think, is it Circe or Cirque? I think Circe, right?

Is that The Great Alone by Madeline Miller? Is it Circe? 

Zibby: Circe, yeah. 

Chelsea: The House of Mirth is one of my favorite books ever. I love that book. Oh my god, it's so timeless. I read that book by Kristen Hanna a few years ago, The Great Alone. I gave that to some people. Have you read that? 

Zibby: I have, yes. 

Chelsea: Yeah, that's like a subject matter I have absolutely zero interest in on multiple levels, but I was turning every single page like, oh my god, what is going to happen next?

Zibby: I don't know, The Great Alone, that seems like it could be a subtitle for some of the chapters of your book. 

Chelsea: Well, yeah, exactly. That would be a subtitle. And, uh, what else have I read that has, like, blown me away? I was pretty impressed with, uh, Matthew McConaughey's book, Green Lights. 

Zibby: Yep. 

Chelsea: I was like, oh, wow, this guy's pretty deep, you know?

So I remember reading that a couple of years ago. I was having him on my podcast, so I read it in, like, 24 hours, and, um, that was great. Yeah. But right now, uh, I'm reading something called, uh, The Other Einstein, which is about Einstein's wife. It's, but it's a fiction. So who knows? 

Zibby: Very cool. Yeah. I had Matthew McConaughey on, on the podcast and I spent like a couple of weeks in summer listening to the audio book anytime I drove my kids to camp.

And I was like, well, this makes this really pleasant. 

Chelsea: Yeah. 

Zibby: Having the voice. Anyway. Okay. Well, Chelsea, thank you so much for coming on and all of your advice and the way you're advocating for other women is really, really amazing and much needed. So thank you for that. And you know, the advice to be yourself.

It's pretty awesome. 

Chelsea: Oh, awesome. Thank you so much. It was so nice to meet you. 

Zibby: Nice to meet you too. Okay. Take care. Bye. Bye.