Zibby Mag

By Andrea Dunlop

A pregnant person is something to behold—at once commonplace and completely miraculous. Life is happening! Right there inside that person! (Or, maybe it’s just a burrito.) You may find yourself momentarily in awe, with a great many thoughts and questions running through your head; you may feel a bond with this stranger as they remind you of your own pregnancy, or your wife’s, or daughter’s; consider this a loving reminder that unless this person initiates a conversation about pregnancy, those thoughts are almost always better left unspoken.

Having a baby is a deeply personal and intimate experience; at the same time, nothing has ever made me feel more like community property. (Boy, do people have a lot to say about a pregnant lady.) I’ve been through two pregnancies (I’m eight months postpartum with my most recent one) and, in the spirit of oversharing, here’s an annotated list of the tender, amusing, and mortifying things people have said to me.

1. “Don’t plan on getting anything done for the next five years.”

My writing mentor actually said this to me during my first pregnancy. If you’re like me, you most certainly felt some abject terror that motherhood would wash away everything you’ve built and leave your life unrecognizable. Comments like these certainly don’t help. Many people echoed this sentiment: An acquaintance even expressed her regret that I wouldn’t be able to write any more books (wtf?). Happily, this prediction was unfounded: my fourth book is out today, and I have another one in the works.

2. “You must feel as big as a mountain!”

An old man (and complete stranger) said this while touching my stomach, at the tail end of my first pregnancy. This encounter happened while I was out for a mental-health walk after listening to the Brett Kavanaugh hearings. I smacked his hand away and told him, “Please don’t touch women you don’t know!” From the look on his face, I think that was his last non-consensual belly rub. Though you can never be too sure.

3. “When are you due?”

The refrain from literally everyone during both pregnancies. This may seem like an innocuous question, but, shockingly, I don’t enjoy discussing the contents of my uterus with strangers. And unfortunately—like every other woman blessed with even the tiniest bit of tummy— I’ve been asked this question more than once when I wasn’t even pregnant, like the time I was on a beach vacation with my family, rocking my very first bikini—when I was fourteen.

4. “Let me see the big belly!”

Without fail, my daughter said this every day when I was pregnant with my son. Most of us have a body part that we struggle with, and mine is my stomach. But pregnancy was a time to rejoice in the belly because it was full of someone I already loved. My daughter—my favorite person in the world—loved that tiny person too.

5. “You’re so much bigger than me. Are you having twins?”

This was from a pregnant sandwich shop employee who, frankly, should have known better. Preggo-on-preggo crime!

6. “All the weight comes right off with breastfeeding! I ate cake every day while I was nursing.”

So said the lady in my barre class, who was on her second pregnancy while I was just beginning my first. I don’t know who started this nasty rumor about breastfeeding, but I think about this lady often. I hope her cake is dry.

7. “We recommend gaining between 25-35 pounds.”

The run-down from my doctor during the first prenatal visit of my second pregnancy. I laughed and told her I gained 60 pounds last time. Why? Who knows! Maybe something deep in my genes thought I needed to prepare for a potato famine. My doctor shrugged and said, graciously, “Ok, we won’t worry then.” Note to doctors: this is the correct response.

8. “For you, perhaps, a lovely hat!”

Six months after my son was born, I was on a bachelorette trip and we popped into a vintage store. The two shop owners were losing their collective mind over my teeny-tiny glamorous friends who all fit their size-zero treasures. I sheepishly explained that I just had my second baby and whipped out pictures on my phone as further evidence. They cooed over my adorable baby and clucked, sympathetically, “First time, the weight comes right off. Second time? Still waiting!” Gulp.

9. “Oh, girl, this is a tummy tuck.”

I hadn’t seen her in a while, so my friend decided to explain why she looked exactly the same as she did twenty years ago when we first met. This sparked a spirited and uninhibited discussion of the various procedures the moms in our group have undergone to piece themselves back together after kids. Somehow, it was liberating and deflating at the same time.

10. “Ma’am, we need to clear the foreign object.”

A latex-gloved TSA agent flagged me down as I passed through security on my way back from the bachelorette trip. I was weaning my son at the time and had a bra full of cabbage (as fellow moms will know: it eases swelling and helps the milk dry up). The cabbage showed up on the body scanner. I pulled the ruffage out of my bra to show them, but they still subjected me to a series of invasive pat downs before having to be carted off to the special screening room. Miraculously, I managed to avoid ending up a TikTok meme during this interaction: another middle-aged white lady losing her shit in TSA.

11. “I love you and your not fake boobs.”

My husband had good intentions, but I warned him that I’m reserving the right to get myself a pair depending on how everything shakes out. He naively replied, “Men don’t like fake boobs.” I informed my dear, sweet husband that he has surely admired a great many fake pairs in his day, whether he realizes it or not. How does he think the Victoria Secret angels of our youth got that way?

12. “Is the baby okay with the feta?”

An otherwise lovely woman at the omelet station in the hotel where we stayed for a friend’s wedding made the mistake of thinking that postpartum bump was a baby bump. I replied, “Yes, my seven-month-old, who is currently at home with his grandparents, will surely be just fine with me eating feta.” Just kidding! I pretended not to have heard her and after a brief expression of horror passed over her face she said, “You really like feta, huh?” and we both made it out of this interaction in one piece.

13. “You need to work on your internalized fat phobia.”

Easy for my lithe nutritionist to say (who has, incidentally, never been pregnant). I hired her because I wanted to lose the baby weight, but fired her when she made me feel extremely guilty about wanting to lose the baby weight. She’s not entirely wrong. It’s perverse that the world puts so much pressure on women to look exactly like they did before having babies. Alas, I inhabit that world—the world that loves a chubby baby and a dad bod, but only admires women who “bounce back” after doing the grueling physical work of creating, carrying, and birthing a whole-ass baby.

14. “You look great.”

Shoutout to my forty-seven-year-old dermatologist, who has the most flawless skin I’ve ever seen and says her skincare secrets are water and exercise. We had a good laugh about TikTok beauty routines; it was a much-needed reminder that someone is always looking to make a quick buck off a woman’s insecurities. From the surgeries to the serums—being female in America is a scam. She wrote me a prescription for my rosacea flare up (another fun part of postpartum, along with the extra weight, hair loss, eye bags, and wonky boobs), but said to throw away the rest of my products other than sunscreen and moisturizer. If you absolutely must say something to a pregnant person, take a page from my poreless wonder of a dermatologist: A simple “You look great” can never go wrong.

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Andrea Dunlop is the author of the novels Losing the Light, She Regrets Nothing, and We Came Here to Forget, as well as the novella Broken Bay. She is the creator and host of the true crime podcast Nobody Should Believe Me. She lives in Seattle with her husband and children. Her latest novel Women Are the Fiercest Creatures is available today from Zibby Books.

We are proud to share that Citizens of Humanity and Zibby Books have partnered on a charity t-shirt in support of Girls Inc. of Los Angeles, in celebration of International Women’s Day and the release of the book, Women Are the Fiercest Creatures. The novel features a searing look at the complexities of family and the obstacles women navigate in every aspect of their existence. All proceeds from the t-shirts will be donated to Girls Inc. of Los Angeles.

See Andrea Dunlop and Citizens for Humanity CEO Amy Williams in conversation at a Zibby’s Bookshop in Santa Monica on March 18th.