Zibby Mag

By Alex Knoll

When I think of shame, I picture a bottle of my favorite soda. I can pour myself a glass and enjoy a refreshing drink. I can pour a glass for my friend, my partner, my sister, whomever, to enjoy it with me. Yum.

Or, I can keep the bottle closed. That is, until one day, someone comes over and wants to drink some. They grab the bottle. The cap flies off, and it erupts over both of us. We’re now covered in sticky syrup. And there’s no more delicious soda to enjoy.

This may be a lame analogy, but humor me. I often feel like this unopened bottle, sitting on a shelf, restraining my emotions under a tight seal, anxiously waiting for someone to come along and unscrew the cap.

The trouble is that we can’t know how that person will handle the contents. Will they tenderly loosen the lid, allowing us to breathe, and then poured and enjoyed as intended? Or, will they drop us, causing an eruption, whether they meant to or not.

We have the power to unscrew the cap ourselves, and we should reclaim it. But it’s often difficult to stomach the thought: What if you don’t end up liking how the drink tastes? If you’re sharing with others, what if they don’t like how the drink tastes? What if they don’t know how to properly digest it? These unknowns are why so many of us remain closed off.

If you never truly reflect on the questions, you’ll never come to understand the right answers, which are never as bad as you think. And, chances are, those around you have likely been in your shoes at some point, asking themselves the exact same questions.

There is immense value in opening ourselves up and sharing our contents with others. We all have secrets, and we all carry shame. But the real danger is keeping ourselves sealed off, and letting the pressure build up. This creates a vicious cycle of isolation.

Since the pandemic started, during this time of inescapable disconnection and detachment, it’s more important than ever to unscrew your own cap. Whatever you’re thinking, whatever you’re feeling, you’re not alone. Someone loves you. Someone cares about you. Sharing your thoughts and feelings is not a burden. Stop telling yourself otherwise.

You most likely have multiple people in your life that accept you and love you. Whether it’s a friend, partner, family member, or therapist — they want to help. They don’t want you suffering in silence. No one should suffer in silence.

I struggled with this my whole life. I tried ignoring the way I felt. I wouldn’t pay attention to negative thoughts, even though I was well aware of how they were affecting me. I kept these things not just from others, but from myself. What’s more, I often felt guilty and foolish for doing so.

I became buried in shame until something seemingly innocuous would trigger an outpouring of feelings that I had no idea how to control. I thought I was doing the right thing by not letting my negativity out. I was being respectful. Staying positive. Providing light, not darkness. Over the past couple of years, I’ve come to learn that’s not helping anyone.

Whether it’s a friend, partner, family member, or therapist — they want to help. They don’t want you suffering in silence. No one should suffer in silence.

Opening up to others begins with opening up to oneself. Speak your thoughts out loud. Write them down. Make them real. It might be hard, but it’s necessary in order to understand them. Be truthful with yourself, and you’ll find it less of a struggle to open up to others.

Contrary to the commonly held idea that it’s burdensome, opening up can actually validate how other people feel. So many of us experience the same cycle of negative thoughts. Sharing yours with others can encourage them to open up as well.

Many of us also have kind, pleasant thoughts about others that we tend to keep in. Maybe we’re nervous about coming on too strong, being rejected, or feeling too needy? Nonsense. Can you imagine being given a compliment by someone you love, and feeling negative about it? Of course not.

We all love positive affirmations. To end on a peppier note, try giving more of them yourself. The coworkers you admire — let them know! That friend you’ve always thought is beautiful — tell her! That family member you wish it were easier to say “I love you” to — just try it!

I’ve started practicing this, and it feels great. I’m trying to be thoughtful and intentional with the way I show admiration and appreciation to people in my life. I urge you to do the same.

The more we can open up to one another, both with lightness and darkness, the more connected and less lonely we’ll feel. Unscrew your own cap. Let some of the pressure out. Pour yourself a glass and drink it up.

Refreshing, right?

++

Alex Knoll is a freelance writer, compassionate listener, true extroverted introvert, nature lover, aspiring wedding officiant, and quirky crafter. Knoll owns an Etsy shop where she sells musical cross-stitch patterns so you can transform your favorite album covers into unique pixelated fiber art. Get inspiration from Knoll’s Instagram account, which features finished pieces based on those same patterns.

Instagram

Etsy

Professional Writing