Zibby Mag

Kate Bowler is a New York Times bestselling author, podcaster, speaker, and professor. Her latest book, The Lives We Actually Have, released just this week! Below, Bowler opens up about her work, her new book, and the gift of ordinary days. She also included a custom blessing, and be sure to listen to Zibby’s podcast interview with her here.

You call yourself an “incurable optimist” despite the fact that you investigate suffering so deeply, and you have experienced suffering in the form of Stage IV cancer. What keeps you optimistic when the world—and our lives—are so messy?

Well, the phrase incurable optimist was always a bit tongue-in-cheek because, for years, I’ve had an incurable form of cancer. But most of the things that happen to us, either the things we live with or the things we know we’re going to face, are usually incurable in some form or another. I think the loveliest kind of optimism is one that doesn’t ignore the realities that we have. It’s the kind that decides to look backwards, forwards, and at the present moment with a sense of possibility. I love the idea of small possibilities. The beautiful people in our lives. The gratitude we can experience for things that have already happened, the excitement we can have for the things that will happen. Even though things might be really difficult, there are always good reasons to be deeply optimistic.

How did your cancer diagnosis change the direction of what you were interested in researching and writing?

I used to be a purely academic animal. All I could think about were scholarly books, and those are, despite their reputation, really a lot of fun. I spent ten years interviewing televangelists, and there’s nothing more fun than teasing a TV preacher about the volume of his hair. But after I got sick, I realized that I might not have the time to get to the kinds of things that academics always want to eventually do, which is say something bigger about the human condition. So I thought, screw it, I’m going to have to skip to the end. So I accept that challenge with a lot of humility. I will never know enough to be able to tell the story of my life or anyone else’s. But I want so much to be so awake to this world and the challenges of it that it makes me a richer kind of thinker.

You’re in the ninth season of your podcast Everything Happens, and you have had some truly incredible guests. What are a few of the conversations and things you’ve learned that have impacted you or shifted your beliefs?

One of my favorite things about having a podcast is that each person ends up always giving me an idea or even a little phrase that can honestly change the way that I think. I remember talking to Anne Lamott about people-pleasing, and she described herself as a plane flying too low, freighted with expectation and the baggage of too many other people’s plans. And now every time I think about an overly heavy day, week, or month, I remember that I really should try not to be an airplane right now. And so these little images and phrases have been such a gift. One from this last season with Mary Laura Philpott in her book Bomb Shelter was the little saying her family has: “Everybody has something.” I find that very comforting. And now every time I think that I might be the only person in the universe that continues to have ongoing and hilariously catastrophic health problems, I like to remind myself, Oh yeah, everybody has something.

Who’s on your wishlist of future podcast guests?

The Pope, obviously. I’d love to talk to Brené Brown. I’d love to talk to Cheryl Strayed. But this is the problem. I’m kind of in love with everyone all the time. So every time a new book comes out, I think, That’s it. We’re soulmates.

When did you start writing these “everyday blessings” for your website/email list? At what point were you inspired to write The Lives We Actually Have? How have you been using blessings like this in your own life?

Jessica, my coauthor and lovely podcast producer, and I started thinking a little differently about the end of the podcast once the pandemic started forcing everyone to live with a sense of tragedy. Suddenly everyone seemed more fragile and we needed to understand that we might not be able to wait for the good times to say spiritually true things. So the language of blessing came very naturally after I realized all the things it wasn’t. It wasn’t the #blessed world that I had researched so carefully in my work about the prosperity gospel. It was a sense that all the parts of our days, the good and the bad, can point us to a true thing about ourselves and a true thing about God. After the podcast conversation, the guest had always taught us something. So we started blessing the reality that the podcast guest had pointed out. Courage, hope, forgiveness, interdependence. All of it became something we want to shout from the rooftops and blessing is a lovely way to do that.

What is the main thing you hope people take away from your work? Is there one main message you hope resonates with people whether they’re reading your books or listening to your podcast?

I’d love it if people didn’t feel like their spirituality had to be too tidy or too, well, spiritual sounding. There’s something really refreshing about going off script, and these kinds of blessings can do that, like the section we have on “Garbage Days,” a devotional book that includes a lot of description about just how bad life can be. So my deep hope is that people can look at the ordinariness and the tragedy and the beauty of their lives and call it blessed.

A blessing for the courage to take small steps (especially when you feel overwhelmed)

Life is coming undone.
All my plans, wrecked.
My hopes, impractical.
I’m daunted by what should come next.

The bills that need paying.
The texts that need responding to.
The loneliness that seeps in every night.
The needs of my kids and family and parents and friends
that seem too heavy to carry alone.

Blessed are you who need reminding that,
yes, a lot of things aren’t fixable
or even tackle-able right now,
but there’s something you might try instead.

Taking that tiny step that might make today a smidgen lighter.
Maybe not easier or necessarily better—but lighter.

Being extra generous to a stranger
or hopping in bed a little earlier.
Asking a friend to grab coffee or listening for the birds
instead of doom-scrolling Twitter.

Setting down our to-do lists and picking up a paintbrush
for no reason at all, except joy.

May we be people who anchor ourselves to the now.
Not allowing our minds to skip to the what-ifs
or the what-will-happen-whens.

Blessed are you trying to put aside
the “everything is possible” mentality.
You who know that sheer effort
will not put these pieces back together.
You who have taken yourself off the hook for perfection,
and discover rest in “good enough” instead.

One small step, one deep breath, at a time.

*Adapted from The Lives We Actually Have: 100 Blessings for Imperfect Days by Kate Bowler and Jessica Richie (Convergent, 2/14)