Zibby Mag

By Claire Bidwell Smith

Mother’s Day can be an incredibly painful day for those of us who have lost our mothers. The constant ads, social media posts, and gift and card offerings in every storefront are brutal reminders that our mothers are no longer with us. Even if you never cared about this holiday before losing your mother, it still has the tendency to trigger us.

I experience this first-hand, and I’ve heard myriad accounts from clients and friends who feel quite tortured by the ubiquitous declarations of Mother’s Day. If you are grieving the loss of your mom, here are five things you can do for yourself leading up to, and during, this holiday.

Do something to honor your mom

Just because she isn’t here anymore doesn’t mean you can’t honor her. Buy a bouquet of her favorite flowers. Go to her favorite brunch spot, or cook something she liked. Post a photo of her on social media and write a remembrance.

Remember that you are not alone

There are so many of us out here who are grieving right alongside you. There are Motherless Daughters support groups in most major cities, and many of them hold gatherings around Mother’s Day. It can be very healing to be with a group of women who understand you. You can also join me and Hope Edelman for a special virtual gathering on the day before Mother’s Day.

Communicate what this day feels like for you

Don’t be afraid to remind people that this is a hard day for you, and don’t be afraid to ask for support. You can also take time to talk to friends and loved ones about your mom. Share your own stories or ask them to share some with you. And don’t be afraid to communicate with your mom too! Write her a letter telling her how much you love her and fill her in on your life since she’s been gone.

Set an intention for the day

If it feels good to ignore the day altogether and go to the movies, do that. If you would like to celebrate the day then you should feel free to embrace that as well. Either way, be gentle with yourself. Practice self-care and self-compassion. You deserve it, and you have permission to grieve today.

Allow space for multiple feelings

If you are a mother yourself and your family wants to celebrate, remember that two things can be true at the same time. You can be sad and miss your mom and you can enjoy time with your family and feel gratitude for the love surrounding you.

Our mothers will always be part of us, whether they are physically here or not. This year on Mother’s Day, let yourself connect with your mom, and remember that you are not the only one out there who is feeling a multitude of emotions. I, for one, will be honoring my mom and spending lots of time with my kiddos.

Claire Bidwell Smith is a therapist specializing in grief and the author of multiple books about grief and loss.